Living In Distraction

I read an article that spoke of the difficulties of dating in the modern world. I'm not sure dating has ever been easy, but the changes that our digital interconnection has brought have clearly made it a rough go. I am no longer on the market, so this doesn't apply to me in the dating sense, but I saw parallels in the article that extend past the interaction of dating. I really think that the same problem exist in all modern relationships.

I think about all of the tools of communication that I have accessible. I can call, text, email, Facebook message, Snapchat or connect to people in dozens of other ways. Through all of that connectedness, I really don't feel more connected. If you have read my previous posts, you know that, while I am very social, I have difficulty in sustaining relationships. I think that the false sense of connectedness that technology brings adds to my disconnectedness from others. It's the lie of real human connection and access that the technology mimics that creates the discomfort I feel.

I was with a friend recently. While we were together he checked his phone every 5 minutes, and texted responses to a conversation he was having with someone else. That experience elicited several emotions. I was jealous that the other person was actually the center of attention while I was in this persons company. I was angry at the poor manners exhibited by paying so little attention to our interaction, and I was sad that this person placed so little value on our interaction. How can someone be present in the moment with me if they are so distracted?

It is possible to not be distracted by everything that demands our attention. Modern technology is always making the attempt to grab our attention away. What if we wrestle it back, and reclaim our connectedness. What if we set aside some time daily to just "be" with someone. Talk with them. Look at them. "Be" with them. Is it possible to silence the distractions and just "be" with someone without the technology interrupting?

I'm going to try tonight. I'm going to silence my technology, and give "being" with someone a chance. I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm just going to do it. Hopefully the receiver of the attention recognizes and connects with me. If not, then the really important part is that I make the attempt.

Peace to you my friend.

Thanks for being.

Leave It Alone?

How do you know when it's time to take a step back?

I sometimes struggle with timing. How do you recognize the point, for example, where advice goes from receptive and desired, to preachy and rejected? How do you know when enough is enough? How do you know when you have reached the end of your skills, and that continuing toward an internal vision of perfection is ruining rather than enhancing your project?

I've been mulling these questions lately and I might have stumbled onto some wisdom. I wonder if the real solution is finding a better harmony of internal dialog and external actions.

When I think about the things I regret doing, they are almost always avoidable if I had just slowed down. My rush to the next step is often the cause of hardship. I say and do things that, while well-intentioned, have counterproductive results. What if I listened to my internal dialog more closely before speaking or acting?

I find that my inner voice is well reasoned and highly accurate, but I don't give it time to react. I'm already spilling things out before I allow my instincts to read and respond appropriately to the situation.

I need to spend time in reflection. I need to be more careful in making sure that my internal dialog doesn't get overrun by knee jerk reaction, and I need to be more careful in what I choose to say and do.

Peace to you friend.

Thanks for being.

The Connection of Friendship...

A friend of mine wrote a post on Facebook that described what he called a "perfect moment". He said that, although he is not a religious man, that he felt that that perfect moment must be like a touch of the divine. I read his post, and welled up with emotion. I know the moments that he spoke of, and I have had them also.

Lately, due to his changed relationship status, I have had the opportunity to spend more time with a close friend. We have been talking, and working on projects, and just generally connecting in a way that we have not in some time. I have deep bond with this friend, bordering on a paternal bond, and having the opportunity to be close again has been wonderful. When I read my other friends post, I couldn't help but see myself in his words. The situations are different, but the connection and the feeling that he described were exactly how I have felt.

I'm glad to think that perhaps the feeling of connection he described is universal. That perhaps when we spend time looking and listening we can experience an enhanced connection with the ones we love.

I'm experiencing that joy. I hope you are too.

Peace my friend. Thanks for being.

A New Technique

I have always struggled with relationships. I set unrealistic expectations of people, and then when they fail to meet them I become depressed. Throughout my life I have adapted that into what I call my relationship success-through-failure philosophy.

The success-through-failure philosophy is simple. I know that I don't have a well developed tool set for relationship development and maintenance, so when a relationship fails, I will have successfully predicted that outcome in advance. I don't relish the the outcome, but I think that feeling I predicted the outcome creates a sense of protection.

As I look at my life and examine the relationships that have failed, I feel sorry that I didn't have better tools to help me sustain them. I understand that not every relationship will persist indefinitely, but there are relationships that had such meaning and value that died for the wrong reasons.

I am beginning to understand the cycle that I go through that leads my relationships to failure. What has helped me understand this is reflection, mindfulness and a really good therapist.

In a visit with my therapist I explained the success-through-failure philosophy, and asked if he could help me develop a tool set that would help me better manage relationships. I explained that I was really good at making connections. People seemed to connect with me easily, and I with them, but long term connection was something that I had trouble sustaining. That the relationships that I most want to succeed often failed because I would begin a cycle of constant analysis and review, and the analysis of every action would lead to overbearing and smothering actions. I always seemed to be in a cycle of negativity. He said that he would work on it, and have something for my next session.

At my last visit I was given a new technique. He observed that I had a rumination problem. He said that I should attempt to recognize that if I have 3 negative thoughts on a topic, that I had started my destructive cycle of rumination, and that I needed to defuse it immediately. His suggestion was to pause, and think of a positive thought or experience. Exchange them, if you will, so that the momentum of the rumination on the negative thought is now reversed.

I had opportunity to try this for the first time yesterday. I was surprised how easily the negative thought and worry was replaced. I successfully worked my way back from the cycle.

The relationship that generated the thoughts is so very important and special to me that I need to apply these techniques to keep from entering the success-through-failure loop. I have been there in my head several times, but I feel such a strong connection that I have pulled myself back. For the first time I feel that I now have the tool set to save this and other relationships.

This makes me very happy.

Peace my friend. Thanks for being.