A New Technique

I have always struggled with relationships. I set unrealistic expectations of people, and then when they fail to meet them I become depressed. Throughout my life I have adapted that into what I call my relationship success-through-failure philosophy.

The success-through-failure philosophy is simple. I know that I don't have a well developed tool set for relationship development and maintenance, so when a relationship fails, I will have successfully predicted that outcome in advance. I don't relish the the outcome, but I think that feeling I predicted the outcome creates a sense of protection.

As I look at my life and examine the relationships that have failed, I feel sorry that I didn't have better tools to help me sustain them. I understand that not every relationship will persist indefinitely, but there are relationships that had such meaning and value that died for the wrong reasons.

I am beginning to understand the cycle that I go through that leads my relationships to failure. What has helped me understand this is reflection, mindfulness and a really good therapist.

In a visit with my therapist I explained the success-through-failure philosophy, and asked if he could help me develop a tool set that would help me better manage relationships. I explained that I was really good at making connections. People seemed to connect with me easily, and I with them, but long term connection was something that I had trouble sustaining. That the relationships that I most want to succeed often failed because I would begin a cycle of constant analysis and review, and the analysis of every action would lead to overbearing and smothering actions. I always seemed to be in a cycle of negativity. He said that he would work on it, and have something for my next session.

At my last visit I was given a new technique. He observed that I had a rumination problem. He said that I should attempt to recognize that if I have 3 negative thoughts on a topic, that I had started my destructive cycle of rumination, and that I needed to defuse it immediately. His suggestion was to pause, and think of a positive thought or experience. Exchange them, if you will, so that the momentum of the rumination on the negative thought is now reversed.

I had opportunity to try this for the first time yesterday. I was surprised how easily the negative thought and worry was replaced. I successfully worked my way back from the cycle.

The relationship that generated the thoughts is so very important and special to me that I need to apply these techniques to keep from entering the success-through-failure loop. I have been there in my head several times, but I feel such a strong connection that I have pulled myself back. For the first time I feel that I now have the tool set to save this and other relationships.

This makes me very happy.

Peace my friend. Thanks for being.