The End of Sorrow...

Much of my life has been spent in sorrow.

Only recently have I come to better understand the reason I feel the way I do, and understand that sorrow is an unnecessary burden.

Let me explain...

I have always felt an internal loneliness. I can remember, when I was very young, thinking that it is truly unfortunate that you couldn't see through the eyes of others. As an adult I think about why a young person would want that ability. Only recently did it become apparent that I wanted that ability so I could change myself. I wanted to understand what others saw so that I could become what they wanted me to be. I now understand that I was trying to find love and acceptance from others. What I have come to realize is that these are things that come from within.

There are adages, that while trite, convey old truths. Plato said "know thyself". I'm pretty sure that it was my mother who said that you need to love yourself before expecting anyone else to love you. Both of these concepts have the same core. That you must first understand yourself, and in doing so, you open yourself to knowing others.

Recently, a relationship that I held very dear foundered. I became overwhelmed with sorrow at the loss. As I struggled to control my sorrow, I found the philosophy of Buddhism.The timing was perfect, because in my sorrow I was ready to start thinking differently.

What I began to understand is that my sorrow was suffering, and the the suffering was derived from the impermanence of life. I was trying to hold on to all of the experiences of that relationship as if they were more than just memories. I wanted to own the past, and manipulate the future in such a way that things would never change.

In a way, impermanence is obvious. It's part of daily life. Everything moves from the present to the past. Obviously, I can't eat the sandwich that I ate yesterday. On that level impermanence is universally accepted. However, when it comes to people, and love and relationships, impermanence is more difficult to accept.

I wish I had the wisdom to explain why impermanence in relationships is so difficult to navigate. I can only speculate that the greater the perceived value the more difficult the disconnect. With love there is a surrender of self, and acceptance of connection. When the connection weakens or breaks then the instinct is to search for answers. The acceptance of impermanence is the only real answer.

Appreciate the past for all of the joy it brought, and don't surrender yourself to the sorrow of impermanence.

I hope that the in the future I do better in being present in my relationships. I don't want to get stuck searching for yesterdays joy. I want to make new memories, but even more, I want my friends and loved ones to stay with me because I offer a happy future. The only way that is possible is to accept the past, live in the present and not worry for the future.

Peace my friend. Thanks for being.